The perfect Christmas letter

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Posted 12/15/15 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

Christmas will be here before you know it. If you haven’t already done so, it’s time to get those family Christmas letters written and into the mail. Like always, I have some tips to make sure your letter stands out from the pack.
Most Christmas letters are grammatical nightmares, riddled with spelling errors and poor word choice. If this is the type of letter you produce, please consider hiring a professional writer and proofreader. (My current rate is $40 an hour.)
Include with the letter pictures of your family, taken by a professional photographer. If any family member refuses to sit for the photo, simply hire a younger and more attractive actor to replace him. Do this with the entire clan if your family is particularly unattractive.
If you don’t have a family, don’t let that fact stop you from writing a holiday letter. Just make up a family. Most of the people receiving your letter haven’t seen you in 10 years anyway; they have no idea what you’ve been up to.
Downplay any negative events from the past year. For example, don’t say little Billy is an unruly brat; say that he’s “energetic and independent.” If your clinical depression has been an emotional roller coaster, just drop the word “emotional” to make it sound like a great adventure.
Embellish your accomplishments. Instead of saying you had lunch with some of your Canadian relatives, say you “visited with foreign dignitaries.” Finding an old medal at a yard sale becomes “received the Purple Heart.” Work in a “humblebrag” if possible. This is where you complain about how hard it is to be as incredible as you are. For example, “I’m so tired of people stopping me every day on the street to tell me I should be a model.”
If you can’t afford stamps or envelopes, simply publish your letter in the newspaper column that you write each week. Like this:
Greetings from the Bayers!
What an exciting roller coaster ride this year has been. John’s book and newspaper columns continue to delight and entertain millions of readers around the globe. Poor Valerie is exhausted all of the time; but that’s what you get when you take a job as chief of surgery at a hospital. The kids grow more energetic and independent with each passing year. In June, our dog Champ, who spends each day digging up the backyard, received the Congressional Medal of Honor.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
John, Valerie, John Jr., Mackenzie & Champ