Thanksgiving gets a facelift

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Posted 11/24/15 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

Thanksgiving is this week. Don’t blink or you might miss it.
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, even though it doesn’t get the same attention that Halloween or Christmas do. Actually, that’s probably why I like it so much. I always root for the underdog, and Thanksgiving is the underdog of holidays.
The media ignores Thanksgiving because advertisers don’t like it. Advertisers like holidays where people spend a lot of money. And let’s face it, nobody’s making money off of Thanksgiving but grocery stores and cornucopia factories.
That’s why we should give Thanksgiving a facelift and make it more commercially attractive. We need to attach gift giving somehow. Presents to friends and family is out – Christmas has already got that covered. From this point forward, the new Thanksgiving tradition is to buy one wildly extravagant gift for your. . . let’s say, favorite newspaper columnist. (We’ll try it for a decade or two, see how it goes.)
Another big problem is that Thanksgiving is centered around the family. This is a mistake. The most popular holidays – Halloween and Christmas – are all about the kids. From now on, the children in the family get the good seats around the dinner table. If there’s not enough room for everybody, the grown ups who don’t fit will be relegated to a card table in the other room. The Adult-y Table.
We need to bribe kids to like Thanksgiving. So on Thanksgiving Eve, kids will make a list of things that they are thankful for and put it under their pillows before they go to bed. In the morning, they’ll find that the Thanksgiving Fairy has taken the list and replaced it with marshmallow-covered yams.
Or maybe we go with cold hard cash. Kids aren’t impressed by food these days. At one time, Thanksgiving was a celebration of the bounty that God had provided that season. But today, we can go out and stuff our faces whenever we want. A table full of good food doesn’t hold the same attraction it once did.
In general, thankfulness has gone out of style. In the 1990s, cable television gave us the 24-hour news channels. These channels survive on their ability to convince us that everything is terrible and the world is going to end. If we are content, we won’t stay glued to the television screen for hours on end. If we are happy, we won’t buy the advertisers anti-aging cream.
Regardless of how you celebrate, I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving. Or as I call it, Halloween 2: The Reckoning.