Halloween is not just for kids

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Posted 10/11/16 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

“Youth is wasted on the young.” - George Bernard Shaw
Halloween is just a few weeks away. Soon little children will come to our doors and shake us down for candy, like jolly little mobsters. You’ll recognize these little extortionists by their Wonder Woman and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costumes. 
As a kid I always veered toward more, shall we say, “unconventional” costumes. I have a picture from the Halloween when I was 5 and my sister was 7. She is clearly dressed as a vampire. I am wearing a red jumpsuit and a pair of black panty hose on the top of my head. “I think you were some sort of clown,” my sister guesses.
I haven’t let the fact that I’m no longer a child stop me from dressing up. In fact, in adulthood I’ve taken it to a whole other level. Two years ago, I dressed up as Caesar and painted my entire body orange. I was Orange Julius. 
Before that, I had my hair slicked back and gold chains around my neck. On my back was a huge bow and a gift tag that read, “To: Women. From: God.” (Think about it.)
Here are some ideas you are welcome to use for your grown up costume:
Write the word “sorry” on your forehead and dress in a tuxedo. You are a Formal Apology.
Men, put on a dress. Pin a marathon runner’s number to the back of it. You are a Drag Racer.
Don’t like costumes? Dress in your regular clothes, but bring a bag of lemons to the party. Hand them out to other guests. You are Life.
Have a significant other you want to humiliate with you? Try these couple’s costumes:
She wears a ball gown and crown. He’s dressed up as a roll of toilet paper, also wearing a crown. They are Cinderella and Prince Charmin.
She turns herself into a Chips Ahoy box. He shaves his head and wears a #33 LA Lakers jersey. They are Cookies & Kareem.
He dresses up as the founder of the Mormon church. She dresses up as a bottle of vegetable oil. Together they are Smith & Wesson.
As for me, my costume this year will be pretty simple – I just need glue and several containers of thyme. I’ll empty the spice containers on my hands, using the glue to make sure it sticks.
“What are you supposed to be?”
“Oh, I’m just a guy with too much thyme on his hands.”