Fitness regimens for a new year

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Posted 1/09/18 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

Do you make any fitness-related New Year’s resolutions? Mine is to get back to the gym! 
At my old apartment, there was a gym nearby. I was diligent about fitness then; I would go to the gym every month whether I felt like I needed the workout or not.
In October, I moved into a new place on the other side of town. There are gyms around, but none super close to my apartment. Ideally, I’d like to be able to walk to the gym. Of course, at my current fitness level, that means the gym would have to be in my kitchen.
Some of my friends do CrossFit. They love CrossFit, and love to tell you about it every chance they get. CrossFit is a cult – I mean, workout – that combines weightlifting, calisthenics, and  high-intensity interval training to give you results. I like the idea, but that just seems like too much work. So I’ve developed my own version. My program combines television, pizza, and high-intensity four-hour naps. I call it CrossFat.
Thinking about my weight depresses me. I’ve come to dread stepping onto that scale each morning. To bring a little fun to the process, I went out and bought an old carnival scale that tells your weight and then out pops a piece of paper with a fortune printed on it. It hasn’t been as enjoyable as I’d hoped; yesterday when I stepped on the scale, my fortune read: “See a cardiologist.”
Exercise is just one aspect of fitness. If I want to lose weight, I really have to work on my diet. I’ve been reading about the Keto diet which calls for you to increase your fat intake while you completely cut out carbs. I’ve managed to do the first part. I’ve been using nacho cheese as salad dressing and making my morning smoothies with bacon grease. If that goes well, in a couple of years I’ll try to tackle the cutting out carbs part.
I bought this liquid at the drugstore that is supposed to increase your metabolism and help you lose weight. I drink it twice a day, just like the label says. The taste is so terrible though, each time I have to wash it down with a double cheeseburger and fries. 
It’s going well, though: I started two weeks ago, and so far I’ve only gained eight pounds.