Corrections, additions, subtractions

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Posted 7/11/17 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

In my column last week I recounted an embarrassing incident at a dinner I attended recently where someone singled me out for my quietness. I have a confession to make: this didn’t happen. Not to me, anyway. 
A friend of mine had this experience at a work dinner and I thought the story would provide a good introduction into the subject of introverts versus extroverts. It was funnier and less confusing to tell the story as if it happened to me. So, I took creative license. 
Creative license is a fancy way of saying I’m a big fat liar. Truth is, I lie to you all the time. I feel guilty about it, though, so I’ve decided to come clean about the other falsehoods I have spread over the years.
Please accept my heartfelt apology along with these corrections: 

  • My life was not the inspiration for the 1978 Kenny Roger’s hit song “The Gambler.”
  • There’s no “i” in teiam. . . I mean, team.
  • Teddy Roosevelt never traveled the North Dakota wilderness chopping down trees with his giant blue ox named Babe.
  • Despite my many denials over the years, I am finally ready to admit that I am the Gerber baby.
  • I have not read The DaVinci Code.    
  • Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back was not based on a true story.
  • Sakakawea did not guide Lewis and Clark to the first McDonald’s drive thru. . . it was a Burger King.
  • I do not know the current whereabouts of Carmen Sandiego.
  • When you combine yellow and blue you get green, not a terrified depressed person.
  • It turns out, the square root of -1 is the loneliest number.
  • I did not write The DaVinci Code.
  • Arbor Day is a holiday for the planting and conservation of trees. It is not a English holiday when the Cockney people celebrate the return of naval ships to the ‘arbor.
  • My middle name is not Koala.
  • I was not instrumental in convincing Tom Hanks to star in The DaVinci Code.
  • I am not an expert on the use of essential oils. Apparently bacon grease is not an essential oil.
  • Eating 17 slices of pizza a day does not cure Athlete’s Foot.
  • I do, however, know the current whereabouts of Waldo.
  • The original USDA Food Pyramid recommended 6-11 servings of vegetables a day, not 6-11 servings of Little Debbie’s Snack Cakes as I originally thought.