You have a lovely Face...book

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Posted 1/24/17 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

I’ve grown to kind of hate Facebook.
When I joined a decade ago, people mostly shared what they were doing that day. People would post pictures of the meal they were about to eat. (“Thanks Aunt Judy, I forgot what a waffle looked like.”) 
You’d have one or two annoying friends who listed everything they did. Their posts had everything but the kitchen sink and punctuation. (“Got up late today the alarm didn’t go off I think I’ll make some bacon before heading over to Brians he has been under the weather lately Bye”)
We don’t share what we’re doing anymore. That’s because what we’re doing most of the time is sitting in front of the computer looking at Facebook. 
So instead we post videos, articles and memes that support our ideologies. The more politically divisive this country gets, the more Facebook becomes a minefield of extreme and ridiculous propaganda.  
My ultra liberal friends post articles like “Donald Trump seen cavorting with the ghost of Hitler.” My uber conservative friends counter with articles like “President Trump walks on the Potomac River before turning it to wine.” In reality our new president probably falls somewhere between evil incarnate and Messiah: the sequel. But you’d never know it by what my friends post on Facebook.
That’s why I’ve decided to create a new social network. This will be a second Facebook, a more genteel Facebook. I call it TwoFace.
On TwoFace, people will go back to sharing about their lives. Users of the site will be encouraged to share positive, upbeat stories. The one rule is, don’t post anything that will get on my nerves.
And no vague posts designed solely to fish out comments from your friends. Posts like “Ugh, when it rains it pours” or “Here we go again” are strictly forbidden. No sad fishermen allowed on TwoFace.
TwoFace will have a filter to prevent people from making political statements. No articles can be posted that contain certain words, like “politics,” “lobbyist,” or “ghost of Hitler.”
Videos can still be posted to TwoFace provided they contain animals doing cute things or babies  doing funny things or baby animals doing cute and funny things.
And enough with the emojis. In the old days, there was just the “like” button. Now you can let people know if a post makes you angry, sad, overjoyed, gassy. Enough! It’s too much. On TwoFace, they’ll be one button, a check mark to acknowledge receipt of a person’s post without burdening them with how you felt about it.
With commitment and hard work, I truly believe we can make the Internet a less open and interactive place!