Something does not compute

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Posted 10/18/16 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

Technology certainly makes our lives easier. . . Except when it doesn’t.
We are so dependent on technology that when it doesn’t work properly, our lives fall to pieces. My computer had a nervous breakdown this week – failing to open documents, refusing to log onto the Internet and periodically shutting down. 
When it came time to write this column, the computer was out of commission. I had to write this thing longhand, like the cavemen used to write their newspaper columns. Then I had to drive to the other side of town to type it up and email it from my parents’ computer.
To save you some of the trouble I’ve experienced, I wanted to offer you some tips for when you have computer problems of your own:
Call your IT guy. The IT guy will ask the highly technical diagnostic question: “Have you tried turning the computer off and on again?” When you assure the IT guy that you have, he will tell you that he’ll be by to fix the computer at some point between that afternoon and the day after the second coming of Christ.
Delete your cookies. In technological terms, cookies are small files that can be accessed by both you and the web server that placed the files on your computer. To be clear, I am not referring to these cookies. I’m talking about the two boxes of Thin Mints I “deleted” while trying to get my computer to start up. (I’m an emotional eater.)
Back up files. Computer experts recommend that you periodically back up all of your files. This is the point at which you’ll wish you had listened to them.
Boot up your computer. “Boot up” is what I call it when I put on my steel-toed boots and kick the computer out of frustration. Remember to keep a second pair of boots on hand, in case you wear out the first. This is called “rebooting.”
Open a new window. I’m not talking about a window on your computer; I mean, open up the windows of your house. Cool down by letting a little fresh air into your house. This action has an added bonus: When you finally get fed up enough to throw the computer out the window, you won’t end up with a bunch of broken glass all over your garden.
Defragment your hard drive. Don’t know how to do that? Me neither. This is just my code for drinking an entire bottle of wine. 
Or better yet, I think there’s still another box of Thin Mints in the pantry.