Parting is such sweet sorrow

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Posted 1/30/18 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

I’m borrowing from another writer – William Shakespeare – for my headline. As I pen this, my last What a Joke! column, I understand their meaning all too keenly.
There is sweetness as I remember my readers, who have given me words of encouragement and expressions of appreciation over the years. You have treated me like a celebrity, which is the only thing in life I’ve ever really wanted. 
That sweet is coupled with the sorrow of knowing I will no longer have an outlet to complain about my weight, my love life, and my procrastination problem. 

Weight
I’m still trying to find an exercise regimen that I like. I thought I’d give yoga a try. 
There are many yoga options. In addition to traditional yoga, there is hot yoga (where they heat the room to over 90 degrees), PiYo (yoga mixed with Pilates), and Snowga (yoga performed outside in the snow). How boring must regular yoga be if they keep having to come up with new ways to do it?
There’s also Goat Yoga. This is a real class offered on a New Hampshire farm, where you perform yoga while baby goats walk on your back and butt you in the head. From what I know of goat hygiene, I think they should call the class Covered in Animal Poop Yoga.
Life is hard enough, do we really need fabricated obstacles added to the mix? Let’s spice up that boring morning meditation by getting trampled by Clydesdales. Call it HorsePray. Run all your errands in a minivan being chauffeured by a dolphin. You’re now living The Porpoise-Driven Life.

Love life
I’ve been told to date women who share my interests. But it’s hard to meet people when your only hobby is staying home and watching television.
That gave me the idea for a new dating site that links to your Netflix account. “Because you watched The Office and Stranger Things, we recommend you date Ashley.”

Procrastination
I’ve written a new book on procrastination: “Just Do It Already!: 5 Steps to Conquering Procrastination.” Okay, so I haven’t written it yet, but I’ll get around to it at some point. 

I’ve had so much fun over the years writing this column. I hope you have enjoyed reading it. Although I know it’s the right time for me to hang up my pen, I will miss it (and you) greatly.
Until we meet again. . .