Mama said there would be days like this

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Posted 8/30/16 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

Last Friday was National Dog Day. To celebrate, many of my friends posted photos of their pooches on Facebook, along with some touching words of how much their canine friends mean to them. For my part, I posted a photo of three hot dogs covered in mustard and relish.
Have you noticed how many Days there are these days? I’m talking capital-D days. When I was a kid, there were a handful of Days: Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day. Now we’ve also got Grandparents Day, Siblings Day, Cousins Day and Creepy Uncle Day (I made that last one up . . . I hope.)
It’s all part of our “every kid gets a trophy” mindset. Everything we like “deserves” it own holiday: milk, chocolate, chocolate milk, milk chocolate, etc. 
There are so many Days these days. I’m surprised there isn’t a National Day Day yet.
This past Sunday was International Go Topless Day, a day to fight for a woman’s right to show her breasts in public. This next Sunday, I’d like to initiate International Go Get Tapas Day, to celebrate a woman or man’s right to eat Mexican appetizers.
I also think there should be a special day to acknowledge those times when life gets busy and you don’t even have time to take a shower. That’s why I declare the third Wednesday in May as National A Second Coat of Deodorant Will Have To Do Day.
I also think we should have National Trapped Awareness Day for all of those people who feel they are one thing trapped in another thing. There seem to be a lot of them these days: “I’m a skinny person trapped in a fat person’s body.” “I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body.” “I’m a mime trapped in an imaginary box.”
We’ve all heard of Bring Your Child to Work Day, but what about all of us who don’t have children? What about all the crazy people who think their pets are their children? Let’s have Bring Your Dog That You Dress Up in Sweaters and Push Around In A Stroller To Work Day.
Here are some other days I think we need to adopt:
National Wait Mimes Aren’t Supposed To Talk Day.
National Wear a Wireless Headset So You Can Pretend to Be On The Phone When You’re Actually Just Talking To Yourself Day.
National I Still Consider Pluto a Planet Day.
National It Doesn’t Count As Swearing If You Stub Your Toe In The Middle of the Night Day.
National John Bayer Appreciation Day.
That last one is a joke, of course. You’ll need a whole week to adequately appreciate me.