It will be a cold day in North Dakota

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Posted 8/09/16 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

Question: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long? 
Answer: Polaroids!
Sorry for the old joke. It’s definitely not original, it’s not even particularly funny, and it’s doubtful anyone under 20 even knows what a Polaroid is anymore. 
This also happens to be August, the completely wrong time of year to be telling jokes about sitting on ice. But for some reason, my mind has been stuck on winter lately. 
It’s been warm for so long now – even hot sometimes – that I’m starting to forget that I live in North Dakota. Warm weather doesn’t really belong to us here; it seems to be on loan from somewhere else. North Dakota borrows spring and summer, but it owns winter.
I can’t get too complacent about this warm weather. I have to remember that come October, Jack Frost will already be nipping at my nose. By December, Jack’s cousin Frostbite will be trying to freeze that sucker clean off.
I have to remember that eventually there will be dangerous three foot icicles hanging down. And that will be just off of my eyelashes.
The winters can get pretty bad around here. It gets so cold that when the farmer goes out to milk the cow, it comes out already ice cream. It gets so cold that hitchhikers just hold up pictures of thumbs. It gets so cold, you have to buy an electric blanket to warm up your electric blanket. It gets so cold that in 2013, I chipped my tooth eating soup.
On the plus side, in winter I’m not as down about my weight. Everybody has to wear so many layers to keep warm, we all look like a bunch of fatsos. It’s great!
I’d like winter a whole lot more if we only had to work when the sun was up. In January, we’d be down to a 40 minute work week.
I’m preparing for winter early. I’ve been saving up for a Zamboni, so I’ll have something to drive to work.
There’s plenty of recreation around here in winter: hockey, curling, hockey, penguin riding, hockey. I tried ice fishing once. All I caught was a note that read, “Swam to Florida. Be back in the spring.”
In a way, I guess I miss winter. Think I’ll crank up the air conditioner a little higher, wrap myself in a blanket and tell myself some more corny winter jokes.