I have not begun to not begin

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Posted 3/01/16 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

In my last column I came up with a list of ways to avoid going to the gym. This wasn’t just laziness on my part. Fitness experts agree you have to rest between sets. Some say 30 seconds is best; others insist one minute is better. I err on the side of caution; I average a rest of three weeks between each set.
Last week, I only listed four or five ways to procrastinate before I ran out of space. This week I’m going to give you the rest of my techniques for avoiding whatever you need to get done.
Try to remember your high school locker combination.
Organize your kitchen. Start by alphabetizing your spice rack. For Norwegians, that won’t take long: put the pepper before the salt and you’re done.
Call your old friends from high school. See if any of them can remember your locker combination.
To kill time, I like to come up with titles for books I will never write. My book about the struggles of living on a North Dakota farm is called “No Pain, No Grain.” Then there’s the romance novel about a big city lady who falls in love with a shy, country farmer: “The Strong, Silo Type.”
There’s the story of the oil field worker who falls for a small town girl, but has to leave her when the oil boom ends. The book is called, “I Lefse My Heart in North Dakota.” Then there’s the book of Norwegian philosophy: “That’s The Way The Krumkake Crumbles.”  
Another way to avoid work is to make anagrams of your name and names of your friends. This is where you rearrange the letters in a name to form other words.
For example, my name John Bayer could become “B Honey Jar.” My sister, Jonell Bayer, who’s currently looking for work, would be “Yell Near Job.” 
My friend Ryan Wissbrod becomes “I Sow Barns Dry.” I don’t know what that means, but Ryan is a farmer so I’m pretty proud of the fact that I was able to include a farm building in his anagram. 
My favorite is for my cousin, Samuel Hayden. His anagram name is “Handy Sea Mule.” I don’t think there is such a thing as a sea mule, but if there were, I imagine they’d be handy.
Call your high school. See if they kept records of locker combinations from 25 years ago.
It seems I’ve run out of space again. I guess the other 287 items on my procrastination list will have to wait for another day.