I have a pun in the oven

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Posted 6/21/16 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

The human brain is like a kitchen. You’ve always got plans cooking, ideas percolating, hopes and dreams going up in flames. We all know people who should spend a little more time in the mental kitchen – all of their ideas are half-baked.
Mostly what I’ve got cooking are puns. Puns are generally regarded as the lowest form of comedy – right after movies starring Will Ferrell – so I try to keep them to a minimum in my writing.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of them. They build up. Eventually I have to let them out or my brain will explode. 
I apologize for the litany of puns you are about to read, but my health is at stake. 
I’ve always dreamed of owning my own business. If I ever do, I’ll definitely want to work a pun into the name of the business.
Coffee shops are all the rage these days. My coffee shop will be called Frappe Go Lucky. If I couldn’t find anyone to work for me, I could make it a self-serve coffee place: Espresso Yourself. Or I might set myself apart by being open 24 hours a day. If you need a caffeine fix at 2 in the morning, stop by Better Latte Than Never.
Eventually, I’ll open a bakery next door called Just Desserts. Or I might call it Live and Let Pie. Or Much Ado About Muffin. Or Raisin in the Bun.
After eating all of those sweet treats, you’re going to need to get some exercise in (otherwise you might suffer a “tart attack”). So come on down to my fitness center: Waist Not Want Not. 
New to working out? Don’t be intimidated; we have a class for people who have never exercised before called You Don’t Know Squats.
I’m also going to open a flower shop. We’ll only have one type of flower, but we’ll have a ton of it. You’ll definitely want to buy flowers for your loved one from Excessive Violets. Our slogan is “This bud’s for you.”
If flowers are too conventional, why not buy your loved one an exotic animal? Your new pet awaits at Take Me To Your Lemur. (Formerly known as, All’s Ferret In Love and War.)
If exotic food is more your speed, I will also be opening a spice shop for all of your culinary needs: The Thyme of Your Life. Don’t worry if you are new to spices. As our sign says, “We offer sage advice.”
Finally, I’m opening a shoe store that specializes in footwear for circus clowns -- Shoely You Jest!