Get ready for snowsuit season

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Posted 11/15/16 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

While I was out exercising last week, I started thinking about those magazine articles that come out every spring. You know the ones: “Slim Down For Summer.” “30 Days To Your Summer Body.” “Get Ready For Swimsuit Season.”
Then I remembered that it’s autumn. I shouldn’t be slimming down for summer; I should be bulking up for winter. I stopped walking immediately and called a cab to drive me home.
If you are struggling to pack on the pounds, here are a few tips to help you get in the perfect shape for snowsuit season:
You need to incorporate more bacon into your diet. Bacon is a winter superfood. Bacon not only tastes great but is also terrible for you.
Shrimp tastes okay, but bacon-wrapped shrimp sounds gourmet. Almost any food can be wrapped in bacon: Bacon-wrapped figs, bacon-wrapped steak, bacon-wrapped bacon. Now I understand that at breakfast, it can be pretty time consuming to wrap each individual Rice Krispy in bacon, but believe me, it’s worth it.
Speaking of breakfast, make sure you’re not pouring any of that weakly skim milk over your cereal. One-percent and even two-percent milk won’t give you the winter body you’re after. You have to go whole milk, at least. Half and half or heavy cream are better. The best of course is to dump your Cocoa-Puffs directly into a tub of Cool Whip and get to eating.
Eating wrong is just half of the equation when it comes to packing on the pounds. You also need to become less mobile. The easiest way to do this is in front of the television. Television has ruined more bodies than all the plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills.
Eventually you’ll have to break away to get something to eat. Those trips to the other room may be short, but they still burn too many precious calories. If money is no object, I recommend hiring someone to bring food to you.
For those with a tighter budget, you can simply bring your refrigerator into the living room. (Get family members to move the fridge for you, of course.) Set it next to your La-Z-Boy and you’ll be able to go most of the day without getting up. If this seems like a terribly silly idea, you can always take your TV and chair into the kitchen instead.
Trust me; these methods work. I’ve been using them for a week now and I may never go back. I don’t think I’ll ever get off the couch again. Mostly because I’m no longer physically able to.
I’m getting hungry. Can someone bring me some bacon-wrapped Twinkies?