Being a dad is no joking matter

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Posted 7/12/16 (Tue)

What A Joke
By John Bayer

“That’s a popular cemetery,” my father said each week as we passed Eastlawn Mortuary on our way to church. “People are just dying to get in.” 
His other go to cemetery joke: “Do you know how many dead people are buried in that cemetery? All of them.”
John Joseph Bayer loved a good “dad joke.” If I complained “I’m hungry,” he would counter with “hello Hungry, I’m John.”
I have inherited this “dad joke” gene. It’s a shame I don’t have my own little tax deductions to share them with. Maybe some day. . . 
It will be so exciting on that day when my future wife and I realize our first child is on the way. I’ll probably freak out and place a call to 911.
Operator: What is your emergency?
Me: My wife is going into labor. I don’t know what to do?
Operator: Is this her firstborn?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I hope I don’t pass along to the kids my many phobias. For example, I’m terrified of elevators. But don’t worry, I’m taking steps to avoid them. I used to have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. I also used to be afraid of the left lane on the interstate, but I’m quickly getting past it.
A good dad is there to comfort you when life is disappointing. Like the time I tried to catch fog. Mist.
Life is hard. It’s hard to buy camouflage pants; I can never find any. It’s hard to get a haircut; the lady always ends up cutting all of them. It’s hard to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs; they always take things literally. And change is hard. Have you ever tried to bend a quarter? 
I want to teach my kids generosity. I always give away my dead batteries. Free of charge. (FYI – Crabs don’t give to charity because they are shellfish.)
I want my kids to dream big. I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. Woke up exhausted.
I want my kids to know they can overcome anything. I’ll tell them how I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
I’ll spend quality time with my kids. My son and I will sit down to watch all of the Star Wars movies back to back. Hopefully, I’ll be the one facing the television.
If I do my job right, one day my child will look up at me and say, “Dad, you’re a real card. I’ll deal with you later.”