An ailment a day keeps doctor away
Posted 9/06/16 (Tue)
What A Joke
By John Bayer
Now that I’m in my forties, I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon; namely, my body hates me and is trying to destroy me. I’ve never been what you would call “athletic” or “in shape” or “able to fit in just one airplane seat.” Still, when I reached my forties, things went from bad to worse.
Every day I experience a new ache, strain or pain. It’s made me a bit paranoid. I start to obsess over every form and function of my body. “Have I always had that mole?” “Do I always breathe that way?” “Why does my foot hurt so much when I kick it into this cement wall?”
Luckily, the answers are as close as my computer keyboard. I log onto WebMD, type in my symptoms – “swollen ankles, insatiable appetite, weight gain around the belly” – and in a matter of seconds, WebMD gives me a diagnosis – “John, you’re pregnant.”
I’ve had quite a few ailments in the past two years that WebMD has been able to diagnose.
I’ve had the common cold. I’ve had the uncommon cold. I’ve had the croup, and a mild case of scurvy.
I’ve had post nasal drip, pre-nasal drip, and non-nasal drip.
I’ve had the Rocking Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu.
I’ve had small pox, medium pox and jumbo pox.
I’ve had March Madness, Super Bowl Fever, and tennis elbow.
I’ve had shingles. I’ve had rain gutters. I’ve had vinyl siding.
I’ve had ADHD, PTSD, PB&J and HGTV.
I’ve had the bird flu, the swine flu and the when pigs fly flu.
I’ve suffered from depression and tri-polar disorder, social anxiety and anti-social anxiety.
I’ve had mad cow disease, angry bird syndrome and slightly upset hippopotamus disorder.
I’ve never had Lou Gehrig’s disease, but I’ve had Lou Grant’s disease – where you lose all your hair and yell at women who look like Mary Tyler Moore.
This year I got health insurance, so I’ve been able to see a human doctor. I’ve seen my non-computer doctor four times this year. Each time, I bring a list of the latest ways my body has declared mutiny. I wish I could go to the doctor every day, but that’s impossible since she started screening my calls.
On my most recent visit, I said, “Give it to me straight, doc. What do I have?”
“You have the worst case of hypochondria that I have ever seen.”
Devastated, I decided to get a second opinion. I typed my latest symptoms into the computer.
WebMD says, “You’re carrying pretty low, so it’s probably a boy. Congratulations, John.”